CBTNW: A Teeny-Tiny History of Nearly Everything

I recently finished Bill Bryson's A Short History of Nearly Everything. Initially, I accidentally ordered A Really Short History of Nearly Everything. I asked Bede, "What's next, a board book series?" and started to think about a post for Children's Books That Never Were. Here is the letter from hapless editor Garrulous MacKenzie recommending some edits:


Dear Bill Bryson,

Thank you for submitting your manuscript for a board book entitled A Teeny-Tiny History of Nearly Everything as a companion piece to A Short History of Nearly Everything and A Really Short History of Nearly Everything. The concept of two-page spreads that illustrate contrasting items is standard of the board book genre, and you execute it brilliantly with the atom and the galaxy:



I enjoyed browsing through some of the other subjects, too. The chemical elements with the smallest and largest number of atoms (hydrogen and lawrencium!),and the oldest and newest sets of hominid skeletons were standouts. However, there are two major problems which need to be addressed before we can conceive of publishing your board book.

First, despite the catchy title, in no way is your board book teeny-tiny, or even “brief.” The ideal length of a board book is 10 pages long, which includes both sides of the boards. Your manuscript is 10 ² pages long, which is exponentially more than a single board book can accommodate. It’s possible that we could split the manuscript up into 10 equal parts and feature it as a box set, but in the meantime, I suggest that you work on trimming some of the sections. For example, you could eliminate the Permian-Triassic extinction event, also known as “The Great Dying,” as it might make people concerned about climate change. Science is supposed to be fun, after all!

Second, you say that this manuscript is a “history” of nearly everything, but the subject matter is natural science, not history. Studies have shown that the general public does not take kindly to being misled. Remember the controversy over A Moveable Feast, by Ernest Hemingway, where everyone thought it was a travel cookbook? There was a similar outcry over A Room With a View, by E. M. Forster, as 99 percent of the story took place outside of the room in question. Children are even more discriminating than adults when it comes to deception. For the sake of clarity and truth, I recommend a title change along the lines of A Practically Microscopic Scientific Examination of a Whole Lot of Stuff.


Sincerely,
Garrulous MacKenzie
Sharper & Crow Publishers
***

Disclaimer: This post is a work of fiction mean to be for fun. As far as I know, Bill Bryson is not actually working on a board-book series.

One More Book Cover

Minh Le has one more cover from our Children's Book Sequels That Never Were contest. I won't ruin any of the surprise-- go see for yourself!

Contest Submissions Round-Up, Part II

As promised, here is Part 2 of the Unnecessary Children's Book sequels contest. Part 1 can be found here. You can find Minh Le's links to the graphics for the prizewinners here. Please send me a note if I inadvertently left your submission out of the round-up. I had a system going, but there were a lot of titles to keep track of! Just so you know, none of the submissions were disqualified due to being "overtly lewd and offensive". All I wanted to do was to avoid titles that would be better suited for the marquee of Seattle's Lusty Lady peep-show theatre.

Here's the roundup:

I. Eric Carle

Children's study of life cycles continues in Eric Carle's new The Very Hungry Bird (eats The Very Hungry Caterpillar).
--K.F.

The Very Hungry Dragonfly Nymph
"In the light of the moon, a little egg lay on a blob of algae."
--Schelle, Brand New Ending


The Very Bulimic Caterpillar
Caterpillars aren't supposed to be fat because fatness is unattractive, also it's unhealthy. One little caterpillar learns an important lesson in this colorful picture book about what to do if you feel waaaay too full!
--Kate Coombs, Book Aunt

The Very Constipated Caterpillar
In which the caterpillar eats too much and then feels rather uncomfortable.
--Jamie Michalak

II. Maurice Sendak

Chicken Soup with Organic Whole Grain Texmati Rice
Maurice Sendak's classic gets updated for the modern health-conscious era and loses something in the translation. Kid throws soup, soup gets everywhere, mom's finding grains of rice in the carpet months later, and nobody is happy.
--a.fortis, Finding Wonderland

Finally, after a long writing year, and a cross-country vacation with his eight grandchildren, wise New Yorker Maurice Sendak celebrates a new season of love and family togetherness with his newest picture book, that's a sure hit with Moms and Dads everywhere -- Oh, Yeah Once, Oh, Yeah Twice: Oh, Yeah, Bourbon Neat, No Ice.
--Tanita Davis, Finding Wonderland

III. Kevin Henkes

Lilly's Purple Plastic Hearse
In this emotional tale of loss, the irresistible heroine of several domestic mouse dramas is mourned by friends and family after a devastating marker-sniffing incident in the famed Lightbulb Lab. Having sentenced herself to yet another time-out in a self-made Uncooperative Chair in Mr. Slinger's classroom after being scolded for a bit too enthusiastically wanting to interrupt sharing time with her positively peachy purple plastic marker, complete with interchangeable nibs, Lilly's endless curiosity leads to tragedy. Don't miss this opportunity to talk to your children about the irreversible dangers of Inhalant Abuse.
--Jules, Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast

Lilly's Louis Vuitton Bag with Little Fluffy Dog Inside
Lilly always knew she'd be famous, and now she really is, only she's not into plastic these days. (Except for credit cards. Obviously.) Check out this story of starlet Lilly with her designer bag--she carries Biffycakes everywhere she goes!
--Kate Coombs, Book Aunt

IV. Robert McCloskey

One Afternoon in Akron
Sadly, the beloved Robert McCloskey missed the mark on this collector’s rarity, in which young Sal goes along with her father on a visit to the accountant. Not McCloskey’s finest.
-- Hannah Mahoney
Copy Manager
Candlewick Press

Genetically Modified Blueberries for Sal
No bears were harmed in the making of this book, which introduces a little girl named Sal to the wonders of modern agricultural hybrids. (If you want to see a bear, you should go to the zoo! It's much safer that way.)
--Kate Coombs, Book Aunt

V. Dr. Seuss

Would You Like Trichinosis? by Dr. Seuss
In this very special sequel, Sam-I-Am reveals the downside to eating green eggs and ham.
--Adrienne Furness, What Adrienne Thinks About That

The Fish was Right
Sally and her older brother are grounded for allowing strange things and cats into the house. Sequel to The Cat in the Hat
--Greg W.

How the Grinch Only Borrowed Christmas
The hopeful tale of a legal case involving a green guy. In an early attempt at a plea bargain, local defense attorney Q. Smork Egglemore asserted that the Grinch did not in fact steal Christmas, as had been alleged in an earlier book, but rather merely borrowed it. The return of hundreds of missing gifts seems to bode well for the Grinch's defense, as does the character witness of a Miss Cindy Lou Who, despite the girl's eyes having been Bambified by the notorious Chuck Jones. Local legal commentators feel the outcome will be probation and community service for the reclusive mountain man. (Er, mountain creature.)
--Kate Coombs, Book Aunt


The Chlorax
Recently discovered in a trunk of manuscripts buried in the garden of Dr Seuss's nanny, this unexpected sequel to The Lorax chronicles the effects of unrestrained Truffula Tree planting:

they grew in the fields,
they grew in the roads,
they grew upon houses,
they grew upon toads,
and however you faced it,
looking up, looking down,
those Truffula Trees
simply smothered the town!

In desperation, the citizens march en masse to the Street of the Lifted Lorax and plead with the Once-ler to invent a solution. From his stockpile of industrial sludge, he produces The Chlorax - but is it what they really need?
--Schelle, Brand New Ending

VI. Laura Numeroff

Laura Numeroff salutes activism in her sequel, If You Give a Pig a Pamphlet, telling the story of how just one pig really can make a difference.
-- Jason

If You Give a Mouse a Prune
It's a very short book.
--Jamie Michalak

If You Give a Tapeworm a Cookie
Up till now, Numeroff and Bond have focused on what happens outside the tummy of adorable creatures like a little mouse, a medium-size cat, and a nice big moose. Now they take us inside someone's tummy to follow the adventures of a nameless, yet equally darling young tapeworm. His adventures are more twisty than circular, but once again, the author-illustrator team works their magic.
--Kate Coombs, Book Aunt

VII. Virginia Lee Burton

Michelle Mulligan and the Steam Shovel
Unbeknownst to most, Mike Mulligan owed most of his knowledge of large earth moving shovels to his older sister Michelle. While the other girls were playing under trees with dolls and their brothers, Michelle was teaching Mike the fine intricacies of cellar digging on a small scale for the forest animals of Popperville to store their winter food. Recently dug up from the archives her story is now known in Michelle Mulligan and the Steam Shovel- she went on to be a ground shaker in women's liberation!
--Mamaroots

The Little House is Razed
After being saved from demolition in the 1940's, the Little House falls victim to subprime mortgages and MacMansion development.
-- Rocco Staino and Cynthia Sandler

Mike Mulligan and his Ethanol-Powered Plow
Mike Mulligan decides to go "green" and builds a plow that runs on the ethanol he manufactures using a Depression-era still in an old shed on his farm in Iowa.
--Elaine Magliaro, Wild Rose Reader

VIII. A mix of authors

Leap, Pounce, Cha Cha Cha
A sequel to Sandra Boynton's incredibly successful MOO BAA LA LA LA, featuring the Philadelphia Chickens.
--Schelle, Brand New Ending

Follow the adventures of an aspiring calf from the meadow to the market in the sequel to the ever-popular Arlene the Sardine entitled Louise the Head Cheese.
--Jason

Miss Nelson Is Still Missing and Presumed Dead
A tragic picture book written in the aftermath of one of the country's most troubling news stories. Denver police have concluded that Miss Nelson, who went missing after a particularly virulent encounter with a group of schoolchildren, should be presumed dead. Apparently a little black dress with blood on it was found discarded in an alley. DNA tests are still being run, but things don't look good for the absent educator.
--Kate Coombs, Book Aunt

The charming and delightful sequel to Whistle for Willie, Ezra Jack Keat's Holla for Hadassah tells the story of a delightful six year old who wants to learn to mix it up with her Uncle Mordecai. Follow her through her neighborhood as she picks the neighbor's roses and experiences the power of a bellow, then hears a shout as she makes footprints on freshly laid concrete. Finally, after her mother puts her in time out, her own voice rises as she becomes a hollaback girl...
--Tanita Davis, Finding Wonderland

Polyester
In this sequel, Corduroy bear makes a new friend, a plastic puppy dressed in an ill-fitting purple polyester jumpsuit. Throughout the new friends’ adventures, poor Polyester is always rather grumpy. “This fabric just does not breathe in the heat!” is his endearingly cranky refrain.
--Hannah Mahoney
Copy Manager
Candlewick Press

Two titles by KF:
Officer Buckles In Gloria: A Seat Belt Safety Story
Ezra Jack Keats presents The Day It Didn't Snow At All.

Three titles from MamaKopp of Live'nLearn:

Rosie's Nap (Rosie’s Walk)
Daydream In The Classroom (Nightmare In My Closet)
Mole Sings The Blues (Mole’s Music by David McPhail)

That's the whole show! Thanks so much to everyone who shared their creative sparks.

Contest Submissions Round-Up, Part I

Here is Part 1 of the books submitted to the Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels That Never Were contest. I'll post part 2 on Monday, April 27. If only I had graphics! My meager Photoshop skills are not up to the task.

What do People Do All Evening?
Children were bitterly disappointed to find out that after working all day, Sergeant Murphy just watches TV, Lowly Worm goes to bed early and Bug Dozer molts his exoskeleton.
--Sam Riddleburger

The gritty and chilling sequel to Caps for Sale, this year's Hacks for Sale: A Tale of Celebrity, Some More Monkeys, And Their Typewriters laments the difficulties of celebrity children's book authors. Follow the empty days of such disparate authors as A-Rod, Maria Shriver, Katie Couric, and Lynne Cheney as they rail against a ceaselessly indifferent publishing world which just won't give them the undeserved attention they crave...
--Tanita Davis, Finding Wonderland

Angus and the Car
Following on from Angus and the Ducks, Angus and the Cat and Angus Lost. In this sequel, the curious little terrier adventures out on his own once too often.
--Schelle, Brand New Ending

Don't Let the Bus Drive Over the Pigeon.
--Candace Ryan, Book, Booker, Bookest

Pat the Porcupine
In this attempt to capitalize on the enormous popularity of Dorothy Kunhardt’s classic, her heirs have spiced things up a bit with this sequel, which includes such attention-getting features as a battery-powered “Touch the socket” — zzzap! — and “Is the stove hot?” — yowch! — as well as the titular porky (ably introducing the concept of sharp to even the youngest readers) and a shockingly realistic “Put your hand in the big croc’s mouth.” (Bandages are provided in a convenient pouch at the back of the book.)
--Hannah Mahoney
Copy Manager
Candlewick Press

Owl Rabies
Set three years after the happy ending of Owl Babies, Martin Waddell's eagerly awaited sequel shows the owl siblings again supporting each other through a time of stress and worry. Sarah and Percy have long since flown the nest but they are reunited by a cry in the night from Bill, who informs them that their owl mother has been bitten by a fox and is seriously ill. This book, with its strong message of family togetherness, is a must read for any child faced with the possibility of losing a loved one.
--Schelle, Brand New Ending

Harold And The Invisible Crayon ( following Harold and the Purple Crayon)
--MamaKopp’s family (Tobin), Live‘nLearn

Eloise is Evicted
After the sale of the famous Plaza Hotel and numerous reports to Child Protective Services, longtime resident, Eloise is evicted. Her mother must now take full responsibility for her child.
-- Rocco Staino and Cynthia Sandler

Frog and Toad Are Married
After years of hiding their true relationship, Frog and Toad come out of the closet and wed when the legislature passes a law in their state allowing same sex marriage.
---Elaine Magliaro, Wild Rose Reader

Just You and Me Too
In this sequel, Little Goosey is joined by her newly hatched brother, Baby Goosey. You'll love the hilarious antics of these sibling rivals as they compete for the attention of Gander Goose.
--Schelle, Brand New Ending

The Steadfast Tin Soldier II: Judgment Day
Having been melted down in the fireplace with his only love the paper ballerina, the one-legged soldier emerges from a heart-shaped puddle of molten tin to be regenerated as an army of one-legged soldiers who seek revenge against their tormenters.
--Lori, Goddess of Clarity

King, King, and Prince: When the two happily-ever-after kings throw a shindig at their palace and invite the artist formerly known as Prince, hilarity and outrageous costumes ensue. Unfortunately, everybody attending is temporary blinded by an unexpected glitter explosion.
--a. fortis, Finding Wonderland

Herman Parish honors his aunt's memory by telling a heartwarming story of love and friendship in the midst of the difficulties of growing old in Amelia Bedelia Forgets Who She Is and is Found Wandering on the Freeway Median With No Shoes and a Half-Eaten Chicken Drumstick.
--Jason

Click, Clack, Cluck: Chickens That Tap Dance
The chickens steal back the typewriter from Farmer Brown, write a screenplay for a song and dance musical, get financial backing from Gene Kelly's heirs, and produce a movie in which they star as a group of tap dancers at Radio City Music Hall called the Cluckettes.
---Elaine Magliaro, Wild Rose Reader

Alexander and the Wonderful, Blissful, Super Good, Extra Special Day
Because some days are like that, dontcha know? Even in Alaska, where patriotic young Alexander actually ends up. (Not Afghanistan, which is pretty much the most anti-American country ever besides maybe Buenos Aires.) Alexander gets a wonderful job working on Sarah Palin's 2012 presidential campaign as her personal shopper. Read all about his adventures in this beautifully illustrated sequel. Polar bears included.
--Kate Coombs, Book Aunt

Byron Barton employs his characteristic style of simple lines and bold colors in yet another tribute to the glories of the working world in I Want to Be An Accountant.
--Jason

SHRUG
The sweet baby chimp, Bobo, whom we all grew to know and love in Jez Alborough's HUG, is now a teenager. In this latest sequel, Bobo saunters through jungle and savannah monosyllabically expressing his complete indifference to all he surveys. (It is rumoured that negotiations are underway for a further sequel, possibly to be entitled THUG.)
--Schelle, Brand New Ending

Okay, I know you've been waiting for the potty humor. Here are the entires in a special section all their own.

No One Poops But You
The not so popular sequel to the book "Everyone Poops" by Taro Gomi.
--Stephanie, Adventures With the Kids

Walter the Farting Dog and Martha Speaks fall in love but discover that marital bliss is not so easy to achieve in Walter and Martha Get a Divorce Because He Smells Like an Outhouse and She Won't Ever Shut the %$&#@ Up. (Jason writes, “I don't know- maybe that's borderline, but I couldn't resist.”)
-- Jason

Poop-Oh!
In Peepo! Janet and Allen Ahlberg treated us to a baby's view of life through a cleverly designed series of cutout windows. In Poop-Oh! the Ahlbergs revisit this successful technique of partially revealed illustrations and charming rhyme to present the infant's adventures in potty training. A book that is guaranteed to hold your child captivated on the "throne"!
--Schelle, Brand New Ending

Finally, here are the chapter-book sequels that didn't qualify because they were supposed to be picture-books (and no, the rules I made up didn't even occur to me until just before the contest closed).

Chapter Book Sequels That Never Were

Charlotte's Web II: Revenge of the Spider Babies
Charlotte's many children discover their mother's past as an uncredited, unpaid author whose works were used to benefit a lowly pig. Unable to collect royalties and forced to live in poverty, they devise an evil plot to exact their revenge. Wilber and the Arable family start to get strange and threatening Web messages like "The itsy bitsy spider is watching you" and "Mmmm, bacon!"
Dawn, http://www.blogger.com/Field of Greens

Charlotte's Web 2.0
Charlotte's babies go off to save other piggies, leading to a severe ham shortage in the land.
--Yat-Yee

A Wrinkle in Rhyme
Plans for the development of an all-poetry version of Madeline L'Engle's A Wrinkle in Time were cut unceremoniously short when the ghost writer was unable to find words that rhyme with "tesseract," "Fortinbras," and "cherubim."
--a. fortis, Finding Wonderland

A Wrinkle in My Shirt
In which Meg and Charles Wallace start a dry cleaning business that uses tesseracts to send clothing to the two-dimensional planet to remove wrinkles.
--Greg W.

In the crossover sequel, Diary of a Wimpy Spider, Spider stays on his web all day, avoiding his bullying older sibling until his world-traveling grandfather comes home and gives him a piece of his mind.
--Jason

The depressing, but historically accurate companion to the Little House series called Little House on the Reservation, where we see how Native Americans were abused by the federal government to satisfy the settlers' needs for more land.
--Greg W.

James and the Merely Average-Sized Brussels Sprout
After his adventure with the peach, James settles down to a more ordinary life on a farm, raising vegetables. Sadly, his plans for prize-winning produce are thwarted by tFinding Wonderlandhe very same outsized insects that befriended him on his original journey.


The View From Sunday. The friends, now all grown up, get together every Sunday night for cocktails, lamenting the fact that most people still don't know the real meaning of the word "tips."
--Yat Yee

The Phantom Tollbooth 2: E-Z Pass
Mostly about gerunds.
--Sam Riddleburger

First Place Winner: Kate Coombs

Before I announce the winning entry to the Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels That Never Were contest, I would like to thank everyone who submitted entries. In case you were wondering, "Why are Minh and Farida running this contest?" the answer is that we wanted to have fun and be entertained by your wit and creativity. We've dreamt up quite a few Children's Books That Never Were, but we wanted fresh ideas. And you, you wonderful people of the blogsphere, you had them! In the following days, I'll be posting more of the contest entries as promised.

I also want to thank once more our judges Melangell and Phil. If it weren't for you, we would be handing out 10th, 11th... 17th place prizes.

But now, without further ado, I would like to present the winning entry: the sequel to Crockett Johnson's Harold and the Purple Crayon as envisioned by author and blogger Kate Coombs, Harry and the Purple Can of Spray Paint.

Whatever you do, don't call him Harold. He's a big boy now, and he wields a mean can of spray paint! Follow Harry up and down dirty alleys and streets, also beneath overpasses, in this touching sequel. Remember: when you see that magical purple tag, an H with a skull-handled dagger slashing through it, you know Harry's been there and left his mark. --Kate Coombs

The unnecessary sequel to Bill Martin Jr. et al's Chicka Chicka Boom Boom was one of Coombs' other entries the short-list and is a personal favorite:

Shrieka Shrieka Boom Boom
You've seen the action movie, now read the picture book. Deciding palm tree climbing is child's play, a gang of thieves disguised as letters of the alphabet pulls off the biggest heist of the new millennium, stealing a cool kazillion dollars from an impossible-to-get-into bank vault. Along the way, they blow up twenty-six cars, from an Acura to a Z-28.


Kate Coombs wins the butterfly herder doll plus the first blue donkey I made that was just too big for a Nativity set made by Beneath the Rowan Tree and purchased by a teacher for Lucia's Atrium class:


The larger blue donkey is just perfect for the butterfly herder to ride during his daily round up all of those wayward Celastrina ladon.

In case you were distracted by all of this extra information, Minh's illustration for Harry and the Purple Can of Spray Paint plus his blog post is here.

The Giving Taking Tree and Brie and Foie Gras for Frances

My blogging job has been so easy this past week. All I had to do was round up your contest entries, group them into various categories, and have the judges and Minh Le do the rest. Look what Minh has done now: more honorable mentions! Check out the covers for the other Giving Tree sequels with Finding Wonderland's a.fortis contribution of "The Taking Tree", plus Elaine Magliaro's "Brie and Foie Gras" for Frances. Minh has the graphics, but we both have the texts:

The Taking Tree: Shel Silverstein's sequel to The Giving Tree proves to be much less popular, as children everywhere shun trees for fear of grabby branches and thieving twigs, and parents complain about the bad morals being conveyed to their impressionable tots. Book rated highly with test audiences, but it was later revealed that test audience consisted mainly of rhododendrons. -a.fortis, Finding Wonderland

The Tree: Co-dependent No More!: A burst of insight leads the formerly Giving Tree to shed its unhealthy relationship with The Boy as it sprouts a new branch from the stump it has become. -MotherReader

Counting Rings: A Very Special Crime Scene Investigation of 'The Giving Tree': Using the current DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), "Counting Rings: A Very Special Crime Scene Investigation of 'The Giving Tree'" breaks down, in a child-friendly counting-book way, the psychoses and delusions behind your child's first - and favorite - dysfunctional relationship. -Lee Wind

The Irate Stump: The Giving Tree has a few regrets . . . -Jamie Michalak

The Trading Tree: The story of a cunning tree which, starting with the offer of an apple for allowance, slowly trades a young boy out of his considerable inheritance over the course of his life, leaving him with nothing but a place to sit. -Tony Dowler (not an official entry, since he's a relation...)

And one more for good measure--the unnecessary sequel to Bread and Jam For Frances:

Brie and Foie Gras For Frances: After spending a month-long summer vacation in Paris with her parents and younger sister, Frances returns home and refuses to eat anything other than brie cheese and foie gras imported from France. -Elaine Magliaro

Second Place Winner: Elaine Magliaro

Second Place in the Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels That Never Were Contest goes to Elaine Magliaro of Wild Rose Reader with her unnecessary sequel to Eric Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

The Very Hungry Larva or Moth Madness: This is the tale of a "mad about plaid" caterpillar that eats his way through all the heirloom tartans in a Scottish castle. The larva is finally caught and "kilt" by a wild and woolly sheep shearer and his weaver wife who live on the banks of Loch Lamb. -Elaine Magliaro

Hmmm... perhaps this is a necessary sequel after all. In any case, you'll want to follow the link to see Minh Le's book cover. Elaine Magliaro wins a small painting of a random robot painted by Minh.

Contest judges were Melangell and Phil. Many thanks!

Elementals and Pegacorns

Yesterday was sunny, so I sat in the park and sewed while my daughter was in her Atrium class. At one point, a young boy with his father walked up to me and asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was making a "wind child" (an air elemental) and showed him the "fire child" with the salamander on the cape that I had already made.

"Who is that doll for?" he asked. I told him that it was for some child somewhere in the world.

"Will you make a doll for me?" he asked. I inquired what sort of a doll would I make for him, and he said, "A doll with wings, and a pegacorn. Do you know what a pegacorn is?" He described a flying unicorn with many colors and said the pegacorn would come with him to school.

I told him that I had always wondered what a flying unicorn was called, and wondered what they ate. The boy thought for a moment, and then said, "Hay!" He talked for a few more moments about the pegacorn (all the while I reassured the father that this was okay, that the boy was not bothering me, etc.), and then ran off to play in the park.

While I'm not unveiling the elementals for my Etsy shop until May 1, you may view the elementals I've already posted in my gallery here. I'm currently working on a number of elemental dolls: wind (bird themed), sand (i.e. earth), fog (i.e. water) and aether.

***
Minh Le has illustrated another honorable mention for our contest: Wet Dog, Wet Dog, What Do You Smell? submitted by Yat-Yee Chong.

Third Place Winner: Hannah Mahoney

Are you familiar with Susan Beth Pfeffer's Life as We Knew It and the dead and the gone? You in particular will appreciate the third place winner in the Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels Contest:

Kitty’s First Meteor Hurtling on a Terrifying Death Path Toward Earth

Henkes goes for the dark side in the sequel to Kitten’s First Full Moon. Please note that scenes of worldwide panic and of the apocalyptic destruction of the eastern seaboard may not be appropriate for the very youngest readers. -Hannah Mahoney (Copy Manager, Candlewick Press)

As a bonus, Minh Le has designed a poster for the movie adaptation.

Don't forget to take a look at the honorable mentions for all of the Wild Things adaptations plus I am Still a Bunny.

Thank you to Pipers athe Gates of Dawn and Pilcrow for their judging work.

Update: In addition to the DVD of Jim Henson's "The Storyteller" (season 1), Hannah is getting a small-handmade item from me. Even though I don't do as well with cloth animals as I do with cloth humans, I made Hannah a little white cat. In lieu of a meteor, here is the little white cat next to one of Bede's cats:

Unnecessary Sequel Honorable Mention: Where The Wild Things Aren't

Here is the schedule for announcing the Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels contest:

Third Place: Monday, April 20
Second Place: Wednesday, April 22
First Place: Friday, April 24

In the meantime, Minh Le of Bottom Shelf Books has illustrated a cover for sequels to Maurice Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are, called Where the Wild Things Aren't. Please visit Minh's blog for the book cover. Here are 5 entries for Wild Things sequels:

Where the Wild Things Aren't: a loving commentary on boredom and conformity. -Greg W.

Where the Wild Things Aren't: After seeing his pediatrician and a child psychologist, Max is prescribed medication for his anger management issues and night terrors. -Rocco Staino and Cynthia Sandler

Where the Wild Things Are Having a Bash: Max grows up and leaves home for Carousal State College--the biggest party school in the country. There, he meets other "wild things" and sails off with them into drunken oblivion every weekend. Of course, when he sobers up on Monday mornings, his Friday night dinners are always cold and moldy. -Elaine Magliaro

Where the Wild Things Aren't: Max grows up, becomes an accountant, marries the nice Jewish girl next door and spends the rest of his life in painful anonymity. -The Library Lady

Wild Things: A Tropical Theme Park: This picture book is a story about an important industry called tourism. In it, we welcome you to a tropical paradise reached by some pretty clever chronological sailing. See our monsters in their very specially designed habitat and later you can even watch a trained monster show while sipping on banana daiquiris as the sun sets over the ocean. Written and developed by Imperial Corporate, Inc. just for you. -Kate Coombs

Flowering-Red Currant

Earlier in the month, I posted photos of my currant bushes. Andromeda (a.k.a. Cloudscome) asked me if I planned to make jam with berries from the red-flowering currant bush. According to my research, the gorgeous currant bushes put forth beautiful flowers but the berries themselves are edible but "insipid." It's just as well. The farmer who sold me her currant jam at the farmer's market said that currant jam is even more labor-intensive than berry jam because one has to skin the berries. I am content to appreciate other people's jam-making. (By the way, I am quite willing to trade the fruits of my creativity for the jam-making fruits of yours.)

Sometimes I have a specific idea of what doll I'd like to make, while other times the felt inspires me. When I found a deep pink piece of felt at a local shop last week, I knew immediately that I wanted to make red-flowering currant doll. A friend had commissioned a doll for her daughter and gave me free rein to make what I wished, so I made this root child:



Here is the Red-Flowering Currant root child in her native habitat:



Our red-flowering currant shrub is a young plant. To view how it may look after a few years, visit here.

For those of you who are impatiently awaiting the results of the Unnecessary Children's Book Sequel contest, Minh Le has a new series to tide you over. He is reimagining picture-books as grown-up novels. In addition to Charlotte's Library's contribution of I am Still a Bunny, Minh has Goodnight Moon and The Paperback Princess for you to read.

"I Am Still a Bunny" from Charlotte's Library

From the wise, witty Charlotte of Charlotte's Library comes a contest entry that didn't make the judges' final lists, but amused Minh Le and me so much that Minh had to make a book cover for it: I am Still a Bunny. You may find Charlotte's original blog entry on the book here.

Last Day for Contest Entries

The Contest is now closed. Stay tuned for the results, including contest winners, Minh Le's illustrations of the winning entries, and more.


Today is the last day to submit your entries to the The Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels That Never Were contest. At midnight Eastern Standard Time (which is 9 PM where I live), the contest closes and my work begins. I will send the contest entries off to the judges and work on grouping the entries into blog posts that form cohesive wholes. After the judges make their final decisions (after wrangling, arguing, and shouting), my co-host Minh Le of Bottom Shelf Books gets to illustrate the winning entries. We hope to have the winning entries announced by the middle of next week. Regardless of who wins, be assured that there are so many good entries that I am glad I am not one of the judges. I appreciate the time you took to think up creative, whimsical fictitious titles and descriptions. I also appreciate the bloggers who wrote posts about the contest. Many thanks to: A Fuse Number 8 Production, Charlotte's Library, Finding Wonderland, Jen Robinson's Book Page, life or books?, Live'nLearn, Practically Paradise, and Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast. Did I miss someone? If so, the Technorati search didn't pick up on it! If I inadvertently missed your blog post, please email me and I'll add you to the list of thanks.

Unnecessary Children's Book Sequels That Never Were: a Contest

The Contest is now closed. Stay tuned for the results, including contest winners, Minh Le's illustrations of the winning entries, and more.



When Millions of Cats was published in 1928, no one, least of all Wanda Gag, could have predicted how successful the story of an elderly couple in need of a feline companion would be. It became the 1929 recipient of the Newbery Honor award, and decades later, the Lewis Carroll Shelf Award in 1958. Gag posthumously won the 1977 Kerlan award for the body of her work, but that award did not include the ill-fated sequel to Millions of Cats, the recently discovered Millions of Rats:


Graphic modified by Minh Le

The book cover, as well as snippets of the proposed manuscript, came from the vaults of Garrulous MacKenzie, hapless editor of Sharper and Crow (whose collection of Children’s Books That Never Were may be found here and here). Notes from the editor read along the lines of “Millions of cats swarming over the countryside and gobbling up each other is wildly amusing. The idea of millions of rats doing the same thing makes my skin crawl.”

Minh Le of Bottom Shelf Books and I thought about some of wonderful picture-books we enjoyed that were followed by unnecessary sequels. such as Esphyr Slobodkina's Caps for Sale followed by Circus Caps for Sale, formerly known as Pezzo the Peddler and the Circus Elephant. We acknowledged that there were probably far more unnecessary movie sequels (i.e. Weekend at Bernies II). Then, we decided to host a children's book sequels contest that would call upon the creativity of our readers.

Between April 1—10, we invite you to submit your book titles and 2-3 sentence synopsizes to the Unnecessary Children’s Book Sequels That Never Were contest. For simplicity's sake, the books should be either picture books or early readers such as the "I Can Read" books. While Minh and I will have a say in terms of which entries we like best, we will have judges determine the winners in order to avoid even the hint of favoritism. The judges are Phil of Pilcrow and Melangell of Pipers at the Gate of Dawn.



The three prizes are a small painting of a random robot by Minh Le, a "butterfly herder" doll (i.e. "action figure") created by Farida Dowler, and a gently used DVD copy of Jim Henson's The Storyteller, series one. The first, second and third place winners get to choose their prizes based on their order. These winners will also have their submissions illustrated by Minh Le. All entries will grouped together in a blog post with links to your blogs if you have them.

Here are the rules:

1. You may submit entries as many times as you like before midnight on April 10, Eastern Standard Time.

2. You may submit your entries in the comments of this post, or if you want to keep your entries secret until after the contest, you’re welcome to send them directly to saintsandspinners [at] gmail [dot] com.

3. Immediate family members (Minh's and Farida's spouses and siblings) are welcome to submit entries; however, they will not be eligible for prizes.

4. You do not have to be an active blogger in order to participate. However, we ask that you be at least an active reader of blogs and have a viable commenter profile.

5. Please have a means for us to contact you so that we can get your prizes to you, should you win.

6. At the risk of fettering your wild and wonderful creativity, please refrain from overtly lewd and offensive submissions. This is a different contest altogether.

After the contest closes, the judges will have the weekend of April 11-12 to decide upon the top three entries. Then, Minh Le will illustrate them, and after he's done, we will post the winners and the rest of the entries.

By the way, Millions of Rats is an April Fool's joke. The contest itself is on for real!

Alkelda on Etsy and a Preamble to a Contest

On May 1, I will officially open my cottage industry on Etsy.com. The shop is called Alkelda because I started out as a buyer, not a seller, and that was the username I chose. My shop will contain dolls for storytelling and for nature or seasonal tables. I plan to have root children both large and small, elementals like wind and snow children, storytelling characters who are adaptable for any number of tales you think up, saints, and perhaps even a humorous line of "goth Waldorf" dolls (although Waldorf education founder Rudolph Steiner might roll over in his grave).

I would like to solicit ideas from the readers of Saints and Spinners. What sorts of flowers, trees and elementals would you like to see in the shop? Please leave your answers in the comments. I promise not to delete the flippant suggestions as long as they are ones that I would feel comfortable showing to my parents. Ahem.

Over the next few days, you will read about a contest that Minh Le of Bottom Shelf Books and I will co-host. A hint: it has something to do with Children's Books That Never Were. We're waiting until Fuse #8's Picture Book Poll is over before the contest officially starts on April 1. No fooling!

Breaking Down: the young adult book that never was

After reading Stephenie Meyer's Breaking Dawn, I wrote this little story to dedicate to TadMack. Fear not, Twilight fans, for there are no spoilers here. In a way, it qualifies as an entry of Children's Books That Never Were, except I'm pretty sure it never crossed Garrulous MacKenzie's desk....


BREAKING DOWN

Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you.

Edward: I’m glad to hear that, because I can’t read your mind.*

Bella: I’m so in love with you—

Edward: Me too! I love you more—

Bella: No, I love you more—

Edward: No, I love you more--

Bella: Stop! That’s not the point.

Edward: What is the point?

Bella: It hurts to say this, but I really need to go on to study some sort of higher education. I don’t think college is my calling, but I’ve got to find some sort of viable life skill. Based upon how long I cooked meals for my dad, I’m going to culinary school. I'm already working on a killer tiramisu for my entry exam, and I know with all my being that my cannoli is to die for. It's perfect!

Edward: (gloomily) You have no idea how much I miss cannoli. I used to be addicted to cannoli.

Bella: Speaking of addiction…I don’t think our relationship is healthy.

Edward: Of course our relationship is not healthy. You’re a human, and I’m a vampire, albeit a vegetarian one.

Bella: Um, blood comes from animal flesh. Technically, you’re not a vegetarian. I do appreciate you abstaining from humans, though.

Edward: Ohhhhh, human cannoli.

Bella: That’s it. I don’t care that I spent months practically comatose when you left Forks to “protect” me after I got that paper-cut and your family nearly lost it.** This relationship is over like Grover.

Edward: Grover? I don’t get it.

Bella: (sighing) It’s a Sesame Street reference. That furry pretender Elmo sabotaged the rightful star Grover’s spotlight and just ran with the merchandising. Anyway, we’re done.

Edward: So, you’re going to choose that werewolf Jacob over me?

Bella: No, I’m going to pursue a career as a chef. A vegetarian chef. And then, after I get my own cooking show, I’m going to write a novel about a human girl who falls in love with a vampire and somehow gets over it. The vampire will be a metaphor for how obsessive love can just suck everything out of you.

Edward: It will never sell.

*Edward can read everyone's mind except for Bella's.
**This is kind of what happened to Marianne in Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility, only without papercuts or vampires.

CBWTW: The Pigeon Wants Pierced Ears!

Editor's note: Garrulous MacKenzie writes in his files, "I have no idea why Mo Willems never responded to my letter. I thought we had a real connection." Perhaps you, the Reader, can deduce the cause. This edition of Children's Book That Never Were is dedicated to MotherReader for obvious reasons.



Dear Mr. Willems,

I was tempted to begin the letter, “Yo Mo!” but I deemed it most undignified. At any rate, let me start out by telling you what a fan I am of your previous work. Picasso once said, “Cézanne would never have interested me a bit if he had lived and thought like Jacques Emile Blanche, even if the apple he painted had been ten times as beautiful. What forces our interest is Cézanne's anxiety - that's Cézanne's lesson.”

Cezanne had his apples, you have your Pigeon. It’s not that the Pigeon is cute or persistent, but that the Pigeon conveys anxiety that is simultaneously personal and universal. The Pigeon aches and longs for that which is unfathomable (the Germans call this Sehnsucht) and those desires can only be remotely touched upon by the concrete—what is a hotdog or a bus but the unbearable void of Being itself?

I understand that you have a contest going to see if people can surmise the Pigeon’s latest desire. I’m sure you have received an abundance of hypotheses, with everything from the sublime (“The Pigeon Wants Enlightenment”) to the mundane (“The Pigeon Wants a Puppy”). I feel privileged to have received the true manuscript, “The Pigeon Wants Pierced Ears.” I presume that this theme was inspired by your daughter and her preadolescent clamoring to adorn her earlobes with hypoallergenic hearts and unicorns in an attempt to comply with the conformist tendencies of her peers. Leaving aside the fact that pigeons themselves do not have earlobes, I do have a few questions for you to ponder as you delve into the revisions:

1) What will the Pigeon do to keep the newly pierced ears free from infection? Grownups buying this book for their children will want to see evidence of readiness for such a heady responsibility.

2) Isn't it possible that the Pigeon screaming, “I can’t stop the blood!!!!!!!!!” is a bit too much for the under-five set?

3) Does the Pigeon’s desire for pierced ears have anything to do with wanting to experience self-inflicted pain due to survivor’s guilt as he contemplates the extinction of his Passenger cousins?

4) Chadwick Q. Fraswell III, my editorial assistant, asked me to ask you, "Do you by any chance have a sister, and does she date editors?"

Sincerely yours,
Garrulous MacKenzie
Junior Editor
Sharper & Crow

Furious George: A CBTNW guest post

Minh Le of Bottom Shelf Books has done it again! Presenting the newest installment of Children's Books That Never Were by the guest blogger who makes me laugh until I weep provides dignified commentary on the gripping socioeconomic issues of children's literature today:




From: hanna.rey@cgeorge.org (Hanna Rey)
To: Frasizzle@sharpercrow.com (Chadwick Q. Fraswell III)
Subject: Book Query

Dear Mr. Fraswell,

Attached please find my manuscript for Furious George: Father Knows Best. As the granddaughter of the legendary H.A. Rey, I feel a particular need to continue the Curious George story, but updated with 21st Century sensibilities. In this latest installment, George Sr. is understandably furious at the kidnapping of his son. The only clue he has is that the man was dressed "all in yellow". Furious George travels across the world in search of this culprit. The journey takes years, but George Sr. will not be deterred. The book ends with a climactic confrontation between George Sr. and the Man in the Yellow Hat. I won't give the ending away, but let's just say that justice is finally served. I hope you enjoy the manuscript and if you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to contact me. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Hanna A. Rey

-----------

From: Frasizzle@sharpercrow.com
To: hanna.rey@cgeorge.org
Subject: Re: Book Query

Dear Ms. Rey,

First of all, let me tell you what an honor it is to be corresponding with someone of your regal lineage. Second of all, let me tell you that your manuscript totally rocks! I'm currently working on a deal to present Furious George to my supervisor. In the meantime, may I ask what made you want to take the George series in this new direction?

Sincerely,

Chadwick Q. Fraswell III
Editorial Assistant
Children's Division
Sharper & Crow

-----------

From: hanna.rey@cgeorge.org
To: Frasizzle@sharpercrow.com
Subject: Re: Book Query

Hi Chadwick,

I'm glad that you are excited by the idea! I first decided to take on this project last year. Curious George Industries was preparing a defamation lawsuit against Bottom Shelf Books for their blasphemous review of Curious George. We were prepared to take them to court, but we dropped the case when we realized that BSB had no money. But the whole affair did make me think that it was time to update the series. I had taken a couple of literary criticism classes as an undergraduate and viewing Curious George through a post-colonial lens was uncomfortable to say the least.

To set the record straight, I know that my grandfather was a kind man... he was just a product of his times. I thought it was important to write a book that would protect his legacy from modern criticisms. But I'm rambling. We can discuss this further later. Is there any other information you would need from me before we move along with this process?

All the best,

Hannah

-----------

From: Frasizzle@sharpercrow.com
To: hanna.rey@cgeorge.org
Subject: Re: Book Query

Hannah,

Lit Crit classes? I do believe you are a woman after my heart. I would love to discuss this project with you further... perhaps over drinks?

C.Q.

-----------

From: hanna.rey@cgeorge.org
To: Frasizzle@sharpercrow.com
Subject: Re: Book Query

Dear Mr. Fraswell,

I apologize if I gave you the wrong impression. I would prefer it that we keep this relationship on a professional level. I would be happy to continue our correspondence via email or a scheduled conference during business hours. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Hannah Rey

-----------

From: Frasizzle@sharpercrow.com
To: hanna.rey@cgeorge.org
Subject: Re: Book Query

Come on... just one drink? Nothing seals a book deal like a couple of martinis. ;)

-----------

From: hanna.rey@cgeorge.org
To: Frasizzle@sharpercrow.com
Subject: Re: Book Query

Mr. Fraswell,

I have decided not to pursue a professional relationship with Sharper & Crow and will be taking the Furious George project to another editor. Please be aware that I will be contacting your editor, Mr. Garrulous MacKenzie, about your suspect professionalism.

H. Rey

-----------

From: Frasizzle@sharpercrow.com
To: hanna.rey@cgeorge.org
Subject: Re: Book Query

Oh crap. Not again. I should have learned my lesson after I made that unfortunate pass at Margaret Wise Brown's niece. Crap.

Amazing Grace (early draft)

As I was cleaning out the archives, I found a hand-written note from Garrulous MacKenzie that I don't think he ever sent to Mary Hoffman, author of Amazing Grace:


(click on image to enlarge)

Babar's Revenge: The CBTNW guest blogger edition

Today's edition of Children's Books That Never Were is composed by the clever, handsome, newly-engaged Minh Le of Bottom Shelf Books:


Babar's Revenge: The Hunter Becomes the Hunted
Submitted by Jean de Brunhoff Jr. (the son of Babar creator, Jean de Brunhoff)

Plot Summary:
A grown-up Babar teams up with a disillusioned Bambi and
other bitter children's literature characters to avenge the untimely deaths of their parents. They soon discover that "the hunter" that killed each of their parents is in fact the same person... looks like we have a serial killer on our hands, boys. Two homicide detectives, the uber-cautious Piglet and the borderline insane William Wonka, follow a twisted trail of clues to find the murderer (while trying not to kill each other). Meanwhile, Babar and Bambi take to the streets to extract their own brand of vigilante justice. The Hunter has become The Hunted.


Dear Mr. de Brunhoff Jr.,

I am the new editorial assistant to Mr. Garrulous MacKenzie and it is my honor to have read the manuscript for the latest installment of the Babar series. While I found the manuscript to be compelling, it is slightly too edgy for our publisher's catalogue. My supervisor went so far as to say that Babar's Revenge is "an affront to the de Brunhoff name and will tarnish the legacy of Babar."

I do not agree.

Having just recently graduated with my Bachelor's in Comparative Literature, I am more in tune with today's popular culture and see the value in taking Babar in this new and challenging direction. I have long wanted to explore the darker sides of Babar's emotional state. Also, the meta-fictional approach of pulling in other characters from the Children's Literature Cannon into your narrative is nothing short of brilliant.

Unfortunately, children's literature may not be the forum for your postmodern vision.

That is why I believe we should take your story to Hollywood. With a few minor adjustments, Babar's Revenge would make a fantastic movie script. With the recent success of Ratatouille, studios are chomping at the bit to produce the next animated success.

Here's what I propose: we pitch Babar's Revenge as a cross between Ratatouille and Death Wish. If we can get Tarantino to commit to the project, we're in business. Here's my early wishlist for the voiceover cast:

Babar: James Gandolfini
Bambi: Samuel L. Jackson
Hunter: Steve Buscemi

To make it more marketable, we'd have to throw a strong feminine presence in there somewhere. I'm thinking Amelia Bedelia. I can already imagine the witty dialogue (But you said to "draw" blood!) And to make sure we get Tarantino, I would give Uma Thurman first dibs on the role.

Keep in mind, these are just my preliminary thoughts... and please do not tell Mr. MacKenzie about this letter (he would not be happy to know that I was trying to steer a potential client to Hollywood). Anyway, let me know if you would like to pursue this avenue. One of my fraternity brothers is interning at Paramount, so he will be able to get us in the door. I smell a hit!

Sincerely,

Chadwick Q. Fraswell III

Editorial Assistant
Children's Division
Sharper & Crow

Need more Minh Le? Visit Bottom Shelf Books today!