Interview with Brad the Gorilla (oh yeah, and with me, too)

Brad the Gorilla, my tenant, was jealous and furious when he found out that Jules and Eisha of Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast were going to include me in their blogger interview series. You can find my interview here. And here. And here. Whoops, blog fame has gone to my head, as you can see.

Ahem. As promised, here is my blogger interview with Brad:

The origins of Brad the Gorilla are dubious indeed. If you ask Brad about his biographical history, he’ll tell you that he arrived in the United States after living in Rwanda, Scotland, Antarctica, and various islands in the South Pacific.

Ulric, my brother, tells it a bit differently:

“When I was a little boy, I had a gorilla named Fred. Fred was quiet, loyal and steadfast. Then, my grandparents sent me Brad. Brad arrived with a goofy grin on his face and a plate of spaghetti on his head. He proceeded to influence Bart [the youngest child in our family] and me to do terrible things. Remember when we threw stones at cars? What about when we burst into your room, smashed your china tea-cups and broke the head off your Princess Leia action figure? That was all because of Brad’s coaching.”

As Brad grew older, he appeared to mellow out: he adopted some children [Ulric said that it was because Brad passed so much gas at the sock-monkey adoption agency that they wanted to do anything they could to get Brad out of the room] and settled down as a noodle-chef. Alas, the quiet life was not to be. There was a good reason Brad had appeared in our home wearing a bowl of noodles: people often threw food at Brad. In their defense, Brad would throw the food first, but still…

The year after our brother Bart died, Ulric traveled out to Seattle and moved into the House of Glee’s basement. Ulric specifically refused to take Brad on the road trip because he knew Brad would only cause trouble. [Ulric had enough trouble as it was, when his car died on the I-90 ramp in Medford, Oregon.] When Ulric arrived, there was Brad, sitting in the basement, grinning away. There was just no escaping Brad.

Since then, Brad the Gorilla has participated in the Elvis Invitationals, invented a board game, reunited with his old friend, Mr. McFeely of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood and conducted a series of seminars on gorilla etiquette.

And now, on to this long overdue interview:

Saints and Spinners: What do you do for a living?

Brad the Gorilla: I do a number of things. I am trained as a chef, and I am also the CEO of my own business, Bradley Enterprises. I spend much of the day shouting at my employees and firing them. I'm also in a band called the Deadbeat Crawdads.

S&S: How long have you been blogging?

Brad: I’ve been blogging since August 9, 2005. I was on a roll for awhile, and I even quit blogging a couple of times. Right now, the blog is at a crawl, with just a few loyal readers, but there was a time when, I had up to eight readers, including the notorious Cute Little Box (now defunct).

S&S: Why did you start blogging?

Brad: I hacked into my Landlord’s blog a number of times, and when I was finally banned for life, I decided it was time to start my own blog. The only reason I continue to blog now is because I keep hoping my readers will send me whisky.

S&S: Which blog would you take to the prom to show off and you love it so much you could marry it?

Brad: I don’t go for such mush. But if I had to choose one blog, I’d choose three: Lost In Wonderland, The Tip of the Iceberg, and Friday’s Web. I would never take Yorkshire Pudding to the prom because the idea makes my fur crawl.

S&S: What are your favorite things to do?

Brad: Insult people in Latin, insult people in English, cook vegetarian meals, go skydiving, impersonate Elvis, drive sports-cars (though I don’t have a license), smoke stinky cigars that make everyone run from the room, conduct puppet shows.

S&S: What’s one thing most people don’t know about you?

Brad: I used to spend summers with my older brother, Shad the Gorilla, at McMurdo Station in Antarctica. The last time I was there, I got permanently banned from that southernmost continent because I tried to usurp the job of Santa Claus.

S&S: What’s in heavy rotation on your stereo/iPod as of late?

Brad: Elvis, Elvis, Elvis.


S&S: If you could have three living authors over for coffee or a glass of rich red wine, who would they be?

Brad: I’d only have one author over, we’d drink whisky and he would be Harlan Ellison. Harlan Ellison and I would have a rude-insult contest. I’d win, of course, but I’d like to see him try to best me.

The Pivot Questionnaire:

Favorite word: Outrage

Least favorite word: Smooch

What turns you on creatively, spiritually, emotionally?

What drug are you on? What? You’re not on drugs? Then why are you asking me such a squishy question?

What turns you off?

Questions that only sensitive new age guys would answer.

What’s your favorite curse word?

Diarrhea

What sound or noise do you love?

Electric guitars

What sound or noise do you hate?

Kissing noises

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Arch-villain


Brad as Gorilla Grodd

What profession would you like not to do?

Anything that involves wearing clothes

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

“I never thought you’d actually make it, man. You’ll be pleased to know that Bart is already here, and he’s made you a big plate of bananas flambé.”

Weekend Notes

Yesterday, our friends had to cancel their plans to visit us on Three Kings Day. We shall take our cake over to another gathering today, and bring the Christmas crackers with us. Before the party, we'll head over to the Eastside to see Captain Bogg & Salty in concert.

By the way, I had thought Brad the Gorilla retired his blog. Imagine my surprise when I found this.

While I'm working on my next post...

Brad the Gorilla claims he saw a UFO in Montana. He says that this time, the aliens really are arriving.

The last time Brad posted a picture of a UFO, it turned out to be an upside-down banana split dish.

This is what Brad really saw outside of his window on an early morning in Montana:

UFO Revealed

Quick Update

Greetings! The House of Glee is in New York City for a few days. Fortunately, we have lots of people guarding the house (go away, housebreakers, no one wants your kind around here), and Brad the Gorilla has assured us that everything is just as it should be. I keep thinking I see him here in NYC, but perhaps that's just because I miss him. One of these days, I need to read his blog to find out what's going on in Seattle. There's no time now!

Rewind

As you can tell, I've been going through a dry spell in blogging. It's tempting to take a break, but I really don't want to. I'm addicted to interaction. Today, rather than forcing the issue, I have decided to post some early blog entries that I liked, but that probably the majority of you have not read.

Root Vegetables: my first real blog post on S & S.

The Girl Who Cried Wolf: You want a story with a moral? Here's your story with a moral!

Strong Spirit and Hands: How Bede and I got together.

Brad Blurb: After posting this blurb about Brad the Gorilla, our favorite ape decided to start his own blog.

Yip-Yip Hurray For a Television Break

A diversion:

Yesterday, Brad the Gorilla was griping about how some Sesame Street characters never got their due. He is particularly disgusted with a character who shall not be mentioned (this character's lawyers are meaner than weasels in a coal mine), but to whom Brad refers as "an overrated clump of bright red fur."

"Where are the Yip-Yip Martians when we need them?" he complained. "Once again, the bright and flashy players get all of the attention, while the deceptively simple brilliance of the supporting actors is all but forgotten."

I was awake around 4 am this morning (yucky dreams) when I discovered these two skits starring the Yip-Yip Martians:

Yip Yip Martians Meet the Telephone

Yip Yip Martians Meet the Computer

There you go, Brad. Have a little patience while the video clips load. If anyone finds other clips of the Yip-Yip Martians, please send them to Brad at his email address: brad [PERIOD] the [PERIOD] gorilla [SHIFT KEY + 2 KEY] gmail [PERIOD] com.

Good things

Thank you, all, for your good wishes about Bede's mother and continued encouragement to write stories. I haven't responded yet to all of your comments, but I will-- if not today, than this weekend. Even though my comments on your blogs are a bit sparse this week, I do check your blogs on a daily basis.


Brad the Gorilla has been rather quiet this week, I've noticed. He claims that he has sore pads on all of his fingers and toes from working diligently on his memoirs, but lately I've caught him playing Laser Squad Nemesis and Ultracorps quite a bit on Bede's computer.

Today's Booktalk Friday is more along the lines of my hopping up and down, saying "Read it- Read it- Read it!" than something I'd do for a formal booktalk. So much of what I do in terms of reader's advisory is informal booktalking.

Good things this week:

1)Bede's mother is finally at home on bed-rest.

2)Lucia has just been accepted to the Waldorf preschool we hoped she'd attend starting in September.

3)While we're sad that our Family Resources Coordinator is leaving Boyer Children's Clinic one month before Lucia's last day, the FRC is going to be principal of a school that will need a part-time children's librarian. Potentially, I will be able to do some work for the school in the capacity that I can bring Lucia with me on days she doesn't have preschool.

4)The House of Glee (sans Ulric) will travel to New Jersey and New York this June to visit relatives. On the way back, we will travel cross-country by train. (Note to potential house-robbers: there will be people checking up on our house and cats on a continual basis, and if you find yourself on Ulric's bad side, I pity you.) We'll be staying in New York City three days and Yonkers the rest of the time. Will you be around NYC then? If so, email me and we can meet for coffee and real pierogies.

Recovery Day

Hi, all. I've had a busy week. My Aunt Brigid came to visit us for a few days and was instrumental in helping us get to where we had to go (relatively on time). My in-service presentation went well, and Lucia's teachers were suitably impressed by the Suitcase of Animals.



Saturday, we all went to the Seattle Children's Museum to see the grand opening of the Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood exhibit. Brad the Gorilla came with us, too, and afterward penned a tribute of sorts to the Man in the Cardigan. Frankly, I was surprised, because I thought Brad the Gorilla was too gruff to take an interest in such a slow-moving show such as Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood. I had no idea he had worked on the set in the early years. Brad introduced me to Mr. McFeely, the "speedy delivery" mailman, and I told Mr. McFeely that even though I wasn't allowed to watch that much television, Mr. Roger's Neighborhood contributed to my love of storytelling and puppetry. (By the way, it wasn't until I was in fourth grade that I found out Mr. Rogers was a subject of much humor. Mr. Rogers took the lampooning of his personality much better than I did, but then, I was a serious child.)

Lucia enjoyed the exhibit even though she had never seen an episode of the television program. Her favorite part of the whole exhibit was Mr. Rogers' piano.



Today is a recovery day. I plan to do some sewing and writing. Perhaps I'll even cook. As I write this, Lucia is sitting on my lap, holding her Bert and Ernie dollies, singing, "Boys, boys, boys" (pronounced "bow-ays"). Should I be concerned?

P.S. I am the newest contributor to the Cute is Key blog.

Morning Latte

Ever since I moved to Seattle, I've been a fan of caffe latte art. I'm pretty happy with the leaf motif that's most popular and easiest to create, and am pleasantly surprised when I get something different, like a heart or a letter of the alphabet. That said, I was a bit taken aback when Brad the Gorilla brought me my morning caffe latte, and this is what I found:



Do you see what I see? If not, then it's time for me to get my contact lenses replaced.

Brad the Wookie?

I just found out that my tenant, Brad the Gorilla, had a brief acting stunt as a wookie in the original "Star Wars" movie before a minor, inconsequential culinary accident put him on the outs with the director George Lucas.

I learn new things about people all the time.

Puppet Show: Boxing Day Grudge Match

I'm posting this link to a silly puppet-show courtesy of Brad the Gorilla.

Blog Tree Ornament

Ever since Brad the Gorilla made a blog-themed tree ornament, he has been pestering me to do the same. "I am not inclined to craftiness," I said. "I can't even draw a straight line. Who, after all, is the person going to art school?" Brad then told me that he had just been kicked out of art school that very afternoon. He muttered something about the panel of instructors not fully understanding his final project, and that throwing rotten melons at the professors was part of the whole presentation.

"No one appreciates texture," Brad grumbled. "As the juice dripped off their faces, the instructors refused to acknowledge the symbolism inherent in the living sculpure that was my final project. All they could say was, 'Eeeew, I'm sticky!' and 'Get that gorilla out of here!'"

I felt so badly for Brad that I didn't even cringe when he got out the finger-paints and started working on a mural... on our couch. At least the paints were water-based. (Bede threw the couch-cover into the washing machine before I could get a photo of it. Sorry.)

In any case, I have made a feeble attempt to rally Brad by making a simple Christmas tree ornament using clip-art. If you decided to make your own blog-themed tree ornament, I'm sure it would cheer Brad up to no end.

P.S. Lone Star Ma, how's that for "texture?"

Ornament front:


Ornament back:

cockroach vs. gorilla

Lucia has been rifling through Bede's and my books, pushing them in so that they're not edged anymore, and pulling out the ones she finds interesting. I keep telling her that Plato's Republic is not age-appropriate, and that there aren't enough pictures in Andrew Lang's Pink Fairy Book to interest her, but she pays me no mind.

Yesterday, Lucia pulled off the shelf my copy of archy and mehitabel by Don Marquis. Archy is a cockroach who was a human verse libre poet in a past life, and while he still maintains his poetic sensibilities, he can only write his poems by hopping on typewriter keyboard keys. Like E.E. Cummings, Archy types in lower-case because he cannot reach the shift key. At least, that's Archy's excuse.* Mehitabel is an alley cat who claims to have had a glorious past of infamous lives. I didn't think Lucia was ready for archy and mehitabel, as some of the stories within the poems are quite harrowing. I put the book back back on the shelf and brought down Bede's tome of Curious George stories. Lucia was sated for the moment.

That evening, I found a piece of paper on the floor with the following archy poem snippet copied in green ink:

mehitabel is a believer
in the pythagorean
theory of the transmigration
of the soul and she claims
that formerly her spirit
was incarnated in the body
of cleopatra
that was a long time ago
and one must not be
surprised if mehitabel
has forgotten some of her
more regal manners

I am reminded of my tenant Brad the Gorilla, whom some might readily believe has had a vibrant history somewhere in time if not here. Many more would say that not only has Brad forgotten his more regal manners, but that he never had them to begin with. I disagree. For all that Brad is so brusque and domineering (read his blog for yourself if you don't believe me), there is something noble about a gorilla that is fluent in Latin** and specializes in cooking world cuisines. Brad is a real character. I'm not allowed to say too much about Brad's early life for fear of compromising the dignity of a (human) family member close to me, but he's accumulated enough stories to start his own blog.

----------------
*I have nothing to say in defense of E.E.Cummings, except that some of his poems make me weak in the knees.

**By all rights, I should have failed Latin. I only passed it because I wrote a seven page paper about Arion and the Dolphin, after protesting that the Latin textbook had gotten it wrong.

A blurb about Brad the Gorilla

Galatea, I can't think of a single story that would involve a monkey. Ulric, I'm drawing a blank on anything remotely clever involving your "that's not cricket" phrase. Some days are like that. I submit this blurb for both of you simply to fulfill the requirements. I need to move on. Don't give up on me, just give me another word.

Respectfully yours,
Alkelda


Brad the gorilla has been in our family for a long time. Currently, he lives in the basement with my brother, Ulric. Brad is as vulgar as Ulric is courteous. He spills cornflakes on the floor in the kitchen and eats the leftover vegetable korma that I was saving for my lunch. Brad drives our car without permission and brings it back with dents and dings. (“At least he brings it back,” Bede says.) Brad sheds hairs in my bread bowls, chases the kitties, and teaches Lucia rude words like “mongoose” and “turnip.”

I suppose it’s “not cricket” to complain. After all, Brad makes incredible bananas foster and gives Lucia free guitar lessons. What monkey do you know who could do the same?