Interview with Brad the Gorilla (oh yeah, and with me, too)

Brad the Gorilla, my tenant, was jealous and furious when he found out that Jules and Eisha of Seven Impossible Things Before Breakfast were going to include me in their blogger interview series. You can find my interview here. And here. And here. Whoops, blog fame has gone to my head, as you can see.

Ahem. As promised, here is my blogger interview with Brad:

The origins of Brad the Gorilla are dubious indeed. If you ask Brad about his biographical history, he’ll tell you that he arrived in the United States after living in Rwanda, Scotland, Antarctica, and various islands in the South Pacific.

Ulric, my brother, tells it a bit differently:

“When I was a little boy, I had a gorilla named Fred. Fred was quiet, loyal and steadfast. Then, my grandparents sent me Brad. Brad arrived with a goofy grin on his face and a plate of spaghetti on his head. He proceeded to influence Bart [the youngest child in our family] and me to do terrible things. Remember when we threw stones at cars? What about when we burst into your room, smashed your china tea-cups and broke the head off your Princess Leia action figure? That was all because of Brad’s coaching.”

As Brad grew older, he appeared to mellow out: he adopted some children [Ulric said that it was because Brad passed so much gas at the sock-monkey adoption agency that they wanted to do anything they could to get Brad out of the room] and settled down as a noodle-chef. Alas, the quiet life was not to be. There was a good reason Brad had appeared in our home wearing a bowl of noodles: people often threw food at Brad. In their defense, Brad would throw the food first, but still…

The year after our brother Bart died, Ulric traveled out to Seattle and moved into the House of Glee’s basement. Ulric specifically refused to take Brad on the road trip because he knew Brad would only cause trouble. [Ulric had enough trouble as it was, when his car died on the I-90 ramp in Medford, Oregon.] When Ulric arrived, there was Brad, sitting in the basement, grinning away. There was just no escaping Brad.

Since then, Brad the Gorilla has participated in the Elvis Invitationals, invented a board game, reunited with his old friend, Mr. McFeely of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood and conducted a series of seminars on gorilla etiquette.

And now, on to this long overdue interview:

Saints and Spinners: What do you do for a living?

Brad the Gorilla: I do a number of things. I am trained as a chef, and I am also the CEO of my own business, Bradley Enterprises. I spend much of the day shouting at my employees and firing them. I'm also in a band called the Deadbeat Crawdads.

S&S: How long have you been blogging?

Brad: I’ve been blogging since August 9, 2005. I was on a roll for awhile, and I even quit blogging a couple of times. Right now, the blog is at a crawl, with just a few loyal readers, but there was a time when, I had up to eight readers, including the notorious Cute Little Box (now defunct).

S&S: Why did you start blogging?

Brad: I hacked into my Landlord’s blog a number of times, and when I was finally banned for life, I decided it was time to start my own blog. The only reason I continue to blog now is because I keep hoping my readers will send me whisky.

S&S: Which blog would you take to the prom to show off and you love it so much you could marry it?

Brad: I don’t go for such mush. But if I had to choose one blog, I’d choose three: Lost In Wonderland, The Tip of the Iceberg, and Friday’s Web. I would never take Yorkshire Pudding to the prom because the idea makes my fur crawl.

S&S: What are your favorite things to do?

Brad: Insult people in Latin, insult people in English, cook vegetarian meals, go skydiving, impersonate Elvis, drive sports-cars (though I don’t have a license), smoke stinky cigars that make everyone run from the room, conduct puppet shows.

S&S: What’s one thing most people don’t know about you?

Brad: I used to spend summers with my older brother, Shad the Gorilla, at McMurdo Station in Antarctica. The last time I was there, I got permanently banned from that southernmost continent because I tried to usurp the job of Santa Claus.

S&S: What’s in heavy rotation on your stereo/iPod as of late?

Brad: Elvis, Elvis, Elvis.


S&S: If you could have three living authors over for coffee or a glass of rich red wine, who would they be?

Brad: I’d only have one author over, we’d drink whisky and he would be Harlan Ellison. Harlan Ellison and I would have a rude-insult contest. I’d win, of course, but I’d like to see him try to best me.

The Pivot Questionnaire:

Favorite word: Outrage

Least favorite word: Smooch

What turns you on creatively, spiritually, emotionally?

What drug are you on? What? You’re not on drugs? Then why are you asking me such a squishy question?

What turns you off?

Questions that only sensitive new age guys would answer.

What’s your favorite curse word?

Diarrhea

What sound or noise do you love?

Electric guitars

What sound or noise do you hate?

Kissing noises

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Arch-villain


Brad as Gorilla Grodd

What profession would you like not to do?

Anything that involves wearing clothes

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

“I never thought you’d actually make it, man. You’ll be pleased to know that Bart is already here, and he’s made you a big plate of bananas flambé.”