Monday, August 04, 2008

Breaking Down: the young adult book that never was


After reading Stephenie Meyer's Breaking Dawn, I wrote this little story to dedicate to TadMack. Fear not, Twilight fans, for there are no spoilers here. In a way, it qualifies as an entry of Children's Books That Never Were, except I'm pretty sure it never crossed Garrulous MacKenzie's desk....


BREAKING DOWN

Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you.

Edward: I’m glad to hear that, because I can’t read your mind.*

Bella: I’m so in love with you—

Edward: Me too! I love you more—

Bella: No, I love you more—

Edward: No, I love you more--

Bella: Stop! That’s not the point.

Edward: What is the point?

Bella: It hurts to say this, but I really need to go on to study some sort of higher education. I don’t think college is my calling, but I’ve got to find some sort of viable life skill. Based upon how long I cooked meals for my dad, I’m going to culinary school. I'm already working on a killer tiramisu for my entry exam, and I know with all my being that my cannoli is to die for. It's perfect!

Edward: (gloomily) You have no idea how much I miss cannoli. I used to be addicted to cannoli.

Bella: Speaking of addiction…I don’t think our relationship is healthy.

Edward: Of course our relationship is not healthy. You’re a human, and I’m a vampire, albeit a vegetarian one.

Bella: Um, blood comes from animal flesh. Technically, you’re not a vegetarian. I do appreciate you abstaining from humans, though.

Edward: Ohhhhh, human cannoli.

Bella: That’s it. I don’t care that I spent months practically comatose when you left Forks to “protect” me after I got that paper-cut and your family nearly lost it.** This relationship is over like Grover.

Edward: Grover? I don’t get it.

Bella: (sighing) It’s a Sesame Street reference. That furry pretender Elmo sabotaged the rightful star Grover’s spotlight and just ran with the merchandising. Anyway, we’re done.

Edward: So, you’re going to choose that werewolf Jacob over me?

Bella: No, I’m going to pursue a career as a chef. A vegetarian chef. And then, after I get my own cooking show, I’m going to write a novel about a human girl who falls in love with a vampire and somehow gets over it. The vampire will be a metaphor for how obsessive love can just suck everything out of you.

Edward: It will never sell.


*Edward can read everyone's mind except for Bella's.
**This is kind of what happened to Marianne in Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility, only without papercuts or vampires.

10 comments:

TadMack said...

SHRIEEEEK!
YES, this is my DREAM for Bella: Run from the vampires -- human or otherwise -- NOW!

I LOVE this. SO, so much. This makes my day!

jama said...

Brilliant and hilarious. *Thunderous applause* !

Kelly said...

Too funny, Alkelda!

I haven't read these books, 'cause I'm afraid I'd go off on a series of rants :) Love this version, though.

K. Jay said...

"That furry pretender Elmo sabotaged the rightful star Grover’s spotlight"

You have shared the words I have been too timid to speak.

Lone Star Ma said...

Love this! The LSG is currently holed up in her room with the latest - I get it when she's done. She and I both find them sickeningly addictive although we are, of course, disgusted with what the LSG calls the Little Mermaid Effect. Sadly, she says that none of her friends, also fans, see this aspect.

Alkelda the Gleeful said...

I'm glad you enjoyed this. I started writing this after my mom opened the latest book, said, "Oh, I can't do this," closed it, and then opened it again. "Sickeningly addictive" is accurate, LSM. i hadn't thought of the Little Mermaid Aspect, but you're right! The books belong on my guilty pleasures shelf. Really, I would have found the ending right and proper with just Twilight.

limpy99 said...

Technically the vampire could still eat Elmo right?

TadMack said...

Yes, LET'S send the vampire after Elmo. Bring Grover back!

eisha said...

SPPPFFFFFF!!!!!

(That was the sound of me spit-taking all over the monitor.) Hilarious! And BLESS YOU for sticking up for Grover.

Libby said...

Oh, I could have saved so much time and money by just reading this instead of slogging through BD! Too funny...