Monday, August 04, 2008
Breaking Down: the young adult book that never was
After reading Stephenie Meyer's Breaking Dawn, I wrote this little story to dedicate to TadMack. Fear not, Twilight fans, for there are no spoilers here. In a way, it qualifies as an entry of Children's Books That Never Were, except I'm pretty sure it never crossed Garrulous MacKenzie's desk....
Bella: Edward, I have something to tell you.
Edward: I’m glad to hear that, because I can’t read your mind.*
Bella: I’m so in love with you—
Edward: Me too! I love you more—
Bella: No, I love you more—
Edward: No, I love you more--
Bella: Stop! That’s not the point.
Edward: What is the point?
Bella: It hurts to say this, but I really need to go on to study some sort of higher education. I don’t think college is my calling, but I’ve got to find some sort of viable life skill. Based upon how long I cooked meals for my dad, I’m going to culinary school. I'm already working on a killer tiramisu for my entry exam, and I know with all my being that my cannoli is to die for. It's perfect!
Edward: (gloomily) You have no idea how much I miss cannoli. I used to be addicted to cannoli.
Bella: Speaking of addiction…I don’t think our relationship is healthy.
Edward: Of course our relationship is not healthy. You’re a human, and I’m a vampire, albeit a vegetarian one.
Bella: Um, blood comes from animal flesh. Technically, you’re not a vegetarian. I do appreciate you abstaining from humans, though.
Edward: Ohhhhh, human cannoli.
Bella: That’s it. I don’t care that I spent months practically comatose when you left Forks to “protect” me after I got that paper-cut and your family nearly lost it.** This relationship is over like Grover.
Edward: Grover? I don’t get it.
Bella: (sighing) It’s a Sesame Street reference. That furry pretender Elmo sabotaged the rightful star Grover’s spotlight and just ran with the merchandising. Anyway, we’re done.
Edward: So, you’re going to choose that werewolf Jacob over me?
Bella: No, I’m going to pursue a career as a chef. A vegetarian chef. And then, after I get my own cooking show, I’m going to write a novel about a human girl who falls in love with a vampire and somehow gets over it. The vampire will be a metaphor for how obsessive love can just suck everything out of you.
Edward: It will never sell.
*Edward can read everyone's mind except for Bella's.
**This is kind of what happened to Marianne in Jane Austen's Sense and Sensibility, only without papercuts or vampires.